September 6, 2015

ChaChing

Devon came back around 10:45am and i soon had a melt down.  i was hungry, having not ate since the day before.

We had planned to go shopping, but he had little sleep and my blood sugar was low.  He had brought back some strawberry milk for me, but if we were going shopping, i didn't want to drink something and then need to use the bathroom at the grocery store.

So we agreed to go shopping.  i just wore a baggy sweatshirt and sweat pants, right now i just want comfort without caring.  Devon put the chair on the porch, i transferred from my walker to the chair to sliding down to my butt onto the steps.  The hardest, scariest part was lifting myself off the step to a standing position.  i honestly didn't think i could do it, but three attempts later, Devon in front of me, i got us.

At the grocery store, Devon went inside to get one of the motorized carts for me while he took a shopping cart.

i remembered now why Devon and i don't go shopping together.  i love him so much, but Devon is so slow in moving and forgets there are other people shopping too.  But not just him, riding around in the low motorized cart, people seemed not to see me at all.  i wish the cart had a horn.

This isn't the way i want this to be.  When we got home, Devon unloaded all the groceries, took them into the house, put them all away and had to help me get onto the porch.  i don't feel like a man anymore.

Devon got an under the table paying job and went to work that night.   He started late, so he was just going to stay overnight at his friends.   Before he left, he made my dinner, made some coffee and filled a thermos of water for me.  This isn't the way it is suppose to be.

But what is?  My family shouldn't have betrayed me.  SADDI shouldn't have suffered. i should have been smarter and not put myself ... us ... in this situation.  The only thing that can change now is i get healthier, get a new leg, and make a better life for Devon and i while honoring SADDI's memory.