Saturday, December 26, 2015

Inspiring

i have had many setbacks recently
On the 23rd of December, i finally got my leg back
Doing some minor basic things
A very short time with the leg on
December 25 the nurse came over and we decided it'd be
best that i didn't wear the leg again for awhile
The wound opened up AGAIN
i don't know when
(sometimes i think if)
i will get the leg back and start living
Getting so depressed i question if i can go on
And then i see a picture life this
i am inspired

Monday, December 21, 2015

Finally a NEW post

i haven't been posting anything because i have just been overwhelmingly depressed because of this situation.

Twice a week, the nurse would come over to check my wound and i kept hearing "it's almost there".  But never close enough where i could get my leg back.  Five months i have been dealing with this, feeling very alone, gaining weight from lack of activity and truly questioning how much more i could handle.

Well, today, December 21, 2015, i may finally get my leg back.

Devon has been in China since the beginning of December, i only see my nurse twice a week, my neighbor for a few moments when she brings me the mail and sometimes the mailman, when i am sitting in the doorway feeding the squirrels.  Otherwise, i'm online, watching TV and spending a lot of time realizing how much of life i am missing.

Today could be the day when things finally start changing.  i have a long list of things i want to do, places i want to go and i just want to be able to go upstairs.  i want to live again.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

How Much Longer?

When i lost my leg in late July, i was told i would walking by late August.  But the wound opened, i was sent to an adult rehab for 20 days and have been sofa bound until October 29 when i got my leg.  But after a few days, with the wound not fully healed, the wound opened again.  And i have been sofa bound even longer.

i know the nurses care, they are waiting for the wound to fully heal before i try the leg again.  My emotions are really struggling.  i refuse to cry, but i really want to.

i've missed my summer.  i've my favorite season, fall.  Winter/holidays are going by quickly.  i figured i would be healed and walking by now, so i ordered concert tickets, but now i am unable to go.  i've gained weight again because of the depression and being unable to get around.

i'm so damn lonely. Devon has returned to China for a months visit.  Our neighbor picks up our mail and stays very briefly.  The nurse comes twice a week to change my bandages, i flood her with my talking because i just miss human contact.

Once i finally get my leg back (next week hopefully) and no one home to take care of, i'll be out and about, with my camera.  Making up for much lost time.  Being able to do the basic things around the house that i can't do now from a chair or able to balance myself on one foot.

i just want to live again before i die.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Nerve Pain

Understanding Diabetic Nerve Pain & Symptoms

Diabetes can cause nerve damage often resulting in pain


Did you know that the pain in your feet and hands could be related to your diabetes? It starts with uncontrolled blood sugar. People with diabetes have high blood sugar levels. And over time this may cause permanent damage to the nerves. This nerve damage may cause a distinct pain called diabetic nerve pain.
Your doctor may have mentioned the term neuropathy or peripheral neuropathy. Neuropathy is nerve damage that often results in pain. Peripheral neuropathy is neuropathy that occurs in the extremities and may cause pain, such as foot pain or hand pain. The most common cause of peripheral neuropathy is diabetes.
Diabetic peripheral neuropathy is diabetes-related nerve damage most commonly felt in the feet and hands, which may or may not be painful. Some people experience this damage as pain, tingling or numbness, while others have no symptoms at all. Diabetic nerve pain from damaged nerves is a unique type of pain that is different from the pain you may experience from a headache, a sprained ankle or arthritis.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Depression and Health

2:15am

i awoke and needed to go to the bathroom.  While the stump wound continues to heal, i don't have my leg.  So it's a struggle getting up.  i sit on the arm of the sofa, waking up a bit more so my balance will be strong.  i don't want to fall again.

Trying to be quiet with my walker, i made it to the bathroom and then back to the sofa to get more sleep.  But after all the energy used just to get to the bathroom, i was awake.  i laid there for over an hour trying to go back to sleep.  Nothing.

So i just got up and got online.

Yesterday my nurse came over to change my band-aid and check the wound.  She said it still wasn't closed enough for me to get my leg back.  So it foiled the plans Devon and i had to go out for Thanksgiving.  i have tickets for an event next week, i'm not even sure if i'll my leg by then.

My days are spent waking up, coffee, daytime TV, dinner and going to bed.  More and more i am feeling worthless and depressed.  Devon is not someone i can really share with and i don't have anyone in my life that i could tell about my emotional feelings.  And even in my own head i don't want to hear myself whining.  But at the same time, while laying there, trying to sleep, i'm crying.  i honestly feel so hopeless and i am not confident if i even want to go on.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Reflection 11-14-15

Back in July 2015, when another infection entered my foot, the nurse at my podiatrist said i should just have my leg amputated and my life would be so much better.  She said it with such easy and completely without feeling towards what i was going through.

It was very hurtful ... and she didn't care.  Or understand.

Since having my leg amputated, life has been so lonely and incomplete.  Long days and sleepless nights at the adult rehab.  Sofa bound at home, watching life through Facebook, Instagram and the view from our sliding doors to our backyard, watching the squirrels playing.

Emotionally, i am really struggling.  Thoughts of suicide creep in too often.

The other night, i awoke and needed to go to the bathroom.  i lost my balance, using my walker and hopping on one foot, and landed on my stump.   Thankfully i didn't do further damage, but now i am scared to get up and move around anywhere.

i'm trying to stay hopeful, but it truly is not easy.

If the wound has healed enough, i am hopeful to get my leg back and begin living again next week.
Before that, Devon and i will be going grocery shopping.  i truly hate getting onto the motorized cart and going through the store.  Like when i used a wheelchair, people don't see me when i am sitting so low.  So i sit there, while they block the aisle.

i hate having to rely on Devon for simple things and not being able to do what i had always done without even thinking about it.

Everybody always says that this is just a temporary setback.  But this is what i am living now and have been for several months ... i don't see myself having the emotional strength to go on much longer like this.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

11-12-15

Well shhhhhhhhh ucks ... i had my new leg for 5 days before it was taken from me because the amputation wound became irritated. Another couple of weeks of being sofa bound with my only friend daytime trash TV. i honestly can't express how deeply my depression is getting. i had hoped to get the new leg and my life back by now, but the wound is healing, though slowly. Last night didn't help. i woke up around 2am, needing to go to the bathroom. Half asleep, i lifted myself onto the arm of the sofa and then onto the walker, hopped to the bathroom, balanced myself to open the door, but then felt my still sleepy leg giving out of me. i tried to balance myself, but soon felt myself falling and sure enough, on the stump and then on my arse. After doing my business, i went back too bed, on the sofa. My stump wasn't hurting, but there was the feeling that i had fallen on it. This morning my nurse arrived to change my dressing, i was so worried about what i had done. Thankfully there wasn't more damage, the the wound did bleed a bit. So another lonely uneventful weekend on the sofa, waiting for this damn wound to heal completely so i can get my leg back and live again. Being like this since early August is really affecting my emotional state, i hope that can heal as well. The list of things i want to do and places i want/need to go, grows. But i know there are far more important things in life to worry about ... like ‪#‎Starbucks‬cups

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Clinging

i received my leg on a Thursday, wore it a few times and then it was taken away on Monday because my amputation wound opened again.

i'm struggling so much to remain positive, but the depression of this situation is getting the best of me.  i've basically been unable to live since early August, when i lost my leg.  

The wound on my leg will heal ... but my emotional state will always suffer.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

D E P R E S S I O N

i got my new leg on Thursday and after wearing it on and off for the weekend, it was taken away from me on Monday.

The wound had basically completely healed, but not enough, and it opened again.

There was some leakage and redness on Monday, then on Tuesday, when the nurse saw it, the wound scab had dried but there was still some redness.  So it was agreed on by the nurse and prosthetist, i would stay off the leg for a few days.

i am extremely discouraged, but the reality is that i don't want it to get worse and end up in the hospital again.  So back on the sofa and crap daytime TV and life passing me by.

i need to be better by Thanksgiving, as Devon and i have decided to go out for dinner and then a few after that he leaves for China for a month or more.

My blood sugars have remained good, though i haven't exercised as much as i should.  As much as i could.

So i must focus, because i do not want to be sofa bound when Devon is gone and during the holiday season.

THRIVE

Saturday, October 31, 2015

First Outing October 30, 2015

Last night was my husband's 5th anniversary of his fashion design business, DEVONATION.   i had originally planned not to go, but i didn't have my new leg.  But the day before the show i received my leg and i was feeling confident around the house, so i knew i had to go and show my support.

This was my first out since July 23, except doctors appointments and with my new leg.  i'll admit to being nervous, but excited at the same time.

Getting dressed was a work out.  My new foot and leg don't bend, so it is a struggle to get my pants on.  i even put a sock on my pole leg, so as not to attract attention.

Finally dressed, i called for an Uber and another workout awaited me as i attempted to get my leg into the small car.  After picking up some flowers for Devon, i walked to the bus stop, very cautiously.  My first time going downtown in months, it felt like i was in a new city.

It was rush hour, and still uncertain about my walking, i dodged a lot of people to transfer buses.  Getting off the bus, to get to the venue, was a little scary because it's on a hill and there were wet leaves all over the sidewalk.  With the aide of my cane, i slowly made it down the hill and over to the venue

The fashion show was well received, but i knew i had to get back home, as my body was tired.  Devon sent me home via Uber and when i was comfortable i reflected about my first true outing and how i want many many more.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Hello New Life

On July 23, 2015, i found out that i had to have my leg amputated below the knee due to a diabetic infection.  Three years of wearing a cast, several hospital visits (24 in 3 years), two long stays in adult rehabs (that truly challenged my depression) and several weeks at home basically staying in an eight foot area of the house ... today, October 29, 2015, i got my new leg.

Though it felt odd standing for the first time on both legs, it was those first few steps i took, without the aide of a walker or holding onto the railings, when i started to cry.  i walked back and forth along the runway, getting use to my leg. Most of the time, not holding onto anything, but still feeling a little unbalanced.

When i got home, i walked up the driveway to the porch with ease.  Before, basically hopping on one foot, aided by the walker, always feeling worried that i would slip on the bricks.  i placed my walker on the top step of the porch, took a deep breath and walked up the four steps ... without any problems at all.

i feel weird standing again, i think i forgot how tall i am.

No longer needing a chair to slide around in the kitchen to fix my meals.

With some physical therapy ahead of me, i need to learn to walk again.

Every step is so emotional for me

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

and so it begins ... ... ...

I was fitted for my new leg yesterday, it felt weird to stand up on two legs.  Though still a little unbalanced, i wanted to just walk away and be free.  But this was just a fitting, so i wasn't able to walk at all.  As they mold the leg, i should be able to be in it in a few days and learning how to walk again.



Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Is It Possible?

It's hard to actually believe
After so many months of questionable hope
Sofa bound
Endless trash TV
Struggles just getting around
Missing summer 2015
Missing autumn 2015
Missing daily life
Stress added to my marriage
Learning who my true friends are
Is it finally coming to an end?
 
The other day, after my doctors appointment, i was fitted with a cast for the mold to begin the process of getting a new leg.  It is possible within less than a month i will be able to get out of the house and live again.  Embrace life again.  Be reunited with my camera again.  It doesn't seem possible after everything (and nothing) that has happened over the past few months.  Over the past (over) three years since this ordeal began.
 
All that is important now is to maintain my low blood sugar numbers.  Continue exercising.  Reaching for my goals.   And ... ... ...
 
seizeEVERYmoment 

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Just Do It

"It always seems impossible until it's done."
Nelson Mandela
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says
'I'm possible'!”  
 Audrey Hepburn

A Little

Yesterday i had another doctors appointment.  Weeks now, stuck in the house, unable to get out and about, circling my little area at home because the walker doesn't make me feel very secure, waiting for the wound on my stump to heal.  Will, the doctor seems confident enough that i should be able to be fitted for the beginning stages of getting my leg next week.  Although i was hoping it would be sooner, at least now there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
 
Although i am getting more confident using the walker and hopping along on one foot, it's still an effort and too often i get too confident and nearly fall with my balance off.
 
While Devon was away for 11 days, i had to figure out how to prepare my own meals and do basic kitchen duties.  i put a dining room chair in the kitchen, and thankfully the floor was smooth enough i was able to slide around.  Though i was always worried my weight would be too much for this daily activity and the chair would collapse under me.  But it didn't and i was able to eat usually three meals a day, load/unload the dishwasher, make coffee/tea and just feel somewhat useful. 
 
During this time of waiting for the wound to heal, i didn't just sit and veg out on crap TV, although the TV was on 24/7, i did workout as best as i could.  Ever since being in the adult rehab, for 20 days, i have working to build up my upper body strength.  This has helped me so much in getting around with the walker and lifting myself from sitting positions.  i'm also seeing and feeling a difference in my arms and chest.  And it has really not been a lot of effort, i could actually be doing more.  All those years of starting and quitting so quickly, i feel so much shame in wasting my time doing so little and realizing i could have saved myself so much pain and heartache if i had just stayed focused.
 
My only concerns right now is how it will be walking with a new leg.  i struggled a bit before the amputation because of the 3 mini strokes i had last year.  Not only did it give me vertigo, but there were days when walking was an effort and sometimes scary.  i was just starting to feel comfortable and then the amputation.  i know there is still a long road of recovery and learning ahead of me, but i am facing it with confidence.
 
But i awoke this morning with a renewed hope for the future. 

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Saturday, October 3, 2015

At Least i'm Laughing About It

Today i took 50mg of my torsemide pill.
(Torsemide is used to reduce extra fluid in the body (edema) caused by conditions such as heart failure, liver disease, and kidney disease. This can lessen symptoms such as shortness of breath and swelling in your arms, legs, and abdomen.
This drug is also used to treat high blood pressure. Lowering high blood pressure helps prevent strokes, heart attacks, and kidney problems.
Torsemide is a "water pill" (diuretic) that causes you to make more urine. This helps your body get rid of extra water and salt.)
Well, getting up around on one foot and using a walker, really the last thing i need to do is go to the bathroom every half hour. But i had some swelling in my left ankle (since i don't have a right ankle anymore it's obvious), so i wanted to do what i possibly could to reduce the swelling. i guess i'll just get a blanket and sleep in the bathroom tonight.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Diabetic Numbers

DAILY NUMBERS
 
Before eating, ideal blood glucose levels are 70 to 130 milligrams per deciliter, while after a meal, blood glucose should remain below 180 milligrams per deciliter, as the American Diabetes Foundation explains. If a diabetic record indicates levels that are too high or too low at around the same time for several consecutive days, patients can discuss with their doctor how changes in diet or activity may help control their blood sugar.
 
 
THREE MONTH NUMBERS
 
The American Diabetes Association suggests an A1C of 7%, which is an eAG of 154 mg/dl, but a more or less stringent glycemic goals may be appropriate for each individual. Use the converter below to translate your A1C percentage into an eAG number, or vice versa.
 
(consult your doctor)

10 signs of prediabetes

1. Excessive Thirst
This is different than the normal feeling of being thirst when you have not had something to drink in awhile. Instead, someone with diabetes may drink several cups of water and still feel extremely thirsty. This feeling of being unable to quench your thirst is an early warning sign of diabetes.
 
2. Blurry Vision
High blood sugar can trigger blurred vision for you. At first you might think you need glasses or are just getting a headache. Blurry vision can also be from dry eyes which high levels of glucose in your body can cause. If you have blurry vision, that seems unusual or not normal for you, visit with your doctor or eye doctor to discuss this.
 
3. Using the Bathroom Frequently
This may occur naturally if you are drinking more water than usual. But frequent urination can be a sign of your body struggling to use all the nutrients it needs. This happens when uncontrolled blood sugars are left in the body. Your body will often start dumping liquid and your kidneys will function poorly. The excessive glucose in your blood needs insulin to decrease it. So if your body is not producing enough insulin, then the kidneys cannot filter the glucose and instead just pushes the fluid out of your body.
 
4. Being Tired
A feeling of never fully being rested or always being tired can be an early sign of diabetes. The excessive glucose in your system is sitting in the cells and blood stream. This makes the cells unable to produce a good energy for you to move and live on. The cells are starving for energy and become sluggish and slow to respond, resulting in extreme fatigue.
 
5. Wounds that are Slow to Heal
Your body does not function correctly when it is full of glucose. When you have diabetes your blood vessels can become damaged from the excessive amounts of glucose in your veins. As your blood vessels become damaged it is harder for them to heal quickly, resulting in cuts and wounds that are extremely slow to heal.
 
6. Tingling in Hands and Feet
Another side effect from veins being full of glucose, it makes it more difficult for blood to flow to your extremities. Early signs of diabetes often include people complaining of having tingling in their hands or feet. You might also feel like your hands and feet can never fully warm up. If you notice yourself turning the heat up in the summer time, you might want to check with your doctor to see if you are having early symptoms of diabetes.
 
7. Excessively Hungry
If you are eating a normal diet but still feeling hungry, it may be due to the highs and lows of blood sugar spikes. When your blood sugar increases you will feel full, but as it drops you can start to feel nauseous or like you need to eat something quickly. The low blood sugar triggers the body to think it is starving and needs more food, even if you have been eating plenty of food throughout the day.
 
8. Unexplained Weight Loss
As your body struggles to fight against the high levels of blood sugars you might notice a dramatic weight loss. This is because your lack of proper insulin is preventing glucose from getting properly used in the cells for energy. The kidneys are left to work overtime and eliminate excess as urine, instead of your food energy being used to fuel your body.
 
9. Itchy Skin
Poor circulation can result in dry skin, which often times will cause rashes and itching. There can be a darkening of the skin around the neck area also as the body begins to become resistant to insulin. If your itchy skin is persistent and does not go away with typical skin therapies, like lotions, you should talk with your doctor about other possible causes.
 
10. Yeast Infections
As your body develops diabetes it makes it more susceptible to infections. The yeast infection is the most common infection since our bodies have candida, or yeast, in it at all times. Yeast infections are not just for women and can develop in other areas besides the groin. White patches can develop in the mouth and quickly form a thick layer on the tongue. The candida yeast thrives in a sugar-rich environment, so it is often seen in people who have undiagnosed diabetes.

9 dos and don't about dieting as a diabetic

9 Dos and Don'ts of Dieting With Diabetes

(always consult with your doctor before starting a diet or exercise program)
By Barbara Brody
WebMD Feature

Slimming down can help get your blood sugar levels back into the normal range, and in some cases even cut down on or eliminate the need for medication. Easier said than done? Boost your odds of long-term success by following these expert tips.


1. DO mentally prep yourself.
"Losing weight is more like a marathon than a sprint; you can't go as hard as you can for a short period and then stop," says Michael Dansinger, MD, director of Lifestyle Coaching for Diabetes Weight Loss at Tufts Medical Center and nutrition doctor for NBC's The Biggest Loser. "If you're not ready, any changes you make aren't going to be sustainable."
To find the motivation you need to keep going and going, Dansinger suggests comparing where your current habits are taking you to where you'd rather be in 5 years. Will you have diabetes-related complications? Or will you be healthier than you are today? The decisions you make now can shape your future.

2. DON'T go overboard.

Good to Know

How do you keep your blood sugar steady throughout the day?

I find that staying away from carbs for breakfast helps set the tone for my meals during the rest ... Read More
1 of 5
You're more likely to stick with it if you start small, says Carolyn Brown, RD, a nutritionist at Foodtrainers in New York.
"Your first step might be aiming for an extra 15 minutes of exercise, or skipping the after-dinner treats," she says. "Commit to two new things per week, and build on them."

3. DO some detective work.

Tracking everything you eat and drink for at least a week is the best way to detect patterns.
"You might find that you graze a lot more throughout the day than you realized, or that you often forget to eat breakfast," Brown says. You can use an app or pen and paper, whichever you prefer.
 

4. DON'T blow off breakfast. Or lunch. Or dinner!

It backfires. "When you skip meals, you're setting yourself up for a poor eating pattern for the day, as you'll probably be hungrier later on," says Jaclyn London, RD, senior clinical dietitian at The Mount Sinai Hospital in New York.
She explains that meal skipping is especially dangerous for people with diabetes. "It can put you at risk for hypoglycemia, and not eating consistently can interfere with how certain diabetes medications are processed in your body."
Eat breakfast. If you don't, "you're essentially asking your body to run on no fuel," London says.
She recommends starting the day with a high-protein ingredient, such as an egg or Greek yogurt, so you stay full longer.

5. DO work with your emotions.

Many people overeat when they're anxious or depressed. "Stress is a huge factor. It actually raises your blood sugar levels," Brown says. She often encourages her clients to meet with a therapist to learn other ways to handle stress.

6. DON'T keep your goal a secret.

Having a strong support system can make all the difference. That can include friends, family, co-workers, or people who are working toward the same goal.
You can also team up with experts. "I'm a big believer in working with a lifestyle coach, whether it's in person, over the telephone, or via the Internet," Dansinger says. "You'll get the advice, structure, and external accountability you need, which can increase the likelihood of losing 10 percent of your body weight by fivefold."
Recent guidelines (issued jointly by the American Heart Association, American College of Cardiology, and The Obesity Society) urge doctors to refer overweight and obese people to a comprehensive lifestyle program that lasts at least 6 months.
 

7. DO more than diet.

Watching what you eat is a good start. Exercise also matters a lot. Besides cardio, you should also do strength training. Lifting weights or working with resistance bands will help you build muscle and, in turn, curb insulin resistance.
"Your muscles play a large role in using and storing sugar, so keeping them strong is really important for maintaining healthy blood sugar levels," says Wayne Westcott, PhD, an instructor of exercise science at Quincy College. Aim to do some strength-training at least twice a week.
Be active as much as possible throughout the day.
Research links long periods of sitting to a bigger chance of getting certain diseases, including diabetes. Brown recommends doing small bursts of activity every hour. Get up and refill your water bottle, walk to the farthest bathroom, or go chat with someone in person instead of sending an email or a text.

8. DO keep eating carbs.

You can, and should, keep carbs in your diet. "Our brains run on carbs!" Brown says.
The key is to watch portion sizes. A serving is about the size of your fist.
You should also aim to cut back on the refined stuff (like white bread and pasta) in favor of healthier, less processed options. Whole-grain pasta, brown rice, quinoa, and sweet potatoes are good choices.

9. DON'T let a setback sabotage you.

"Everyone falls off the wagon at some point by having a bad day, week, or even month," Dansinger says. "The difference between those who turn their health around and those who don't is persistence and perseverance."

Sofa Exercising

How to Exercise From Your Couch

Stay fit without straying far from your sofa.

  By Camille Noe Pagán
 
Not quite motivated for a serious workout? Couch potato exercises may be the way to go.
 
In fact, if you find it hard to keep moving, you may have your genes to blame. A recent study from Peninsula Medical School in the United Kingdom found that an “activity gene,” rather than environmental factors, had the largest influence on physical activity levels.
 
So does that mean you’re doomed to be a couch potato? Not at all, says Robyn M. Stuhr, executive vice president of the American Council on Exercise. “You may never be one to enjoy spending an hour a day on the treadmill. But no matter what your preferences or your genetic make-up you can fit a little exercise in on a regular basis.”
 
In fact, Stuhr has a plan that removes your last excuse: a workout that doesn’t even require you to move far from your sofa. Do all three steps of these couch potato exercises for a more complete 30-minute workout:
 
1. Stretch: Lie on your back on the sofa, and slowly bring one knee up to your chest, pulling it in with your arms as far as feels comfortable. Hold for 10 seconds, then slowly release. (You should be able to keep your head turned comfortably toward the television as you do this.) Repeat with the other leg, alternating two times. Next, stand up, hold arms out to the sides and slowly move them in big circles. Repeat eight times; then reverse the direction of the circles.
You’ll get: About six minutes of a workout with this sitting exercise, if you repeat this sequence at the beginning and end of the show you’re watching.
 
2. Strengthen: Stand and slowly raise one foot a few inches in front of you, then trace the letters of the alphabet with that foot (hold the sofa arm if you need support). Repeat with the other foot. Next, lie flat on the floor. Tense your thigh muscles and abdominals, and lift one leg about 6 inches off the ground, then lower. Repeat four to six times, then, switch legs.
You’ll get: Five to seven minutes of exercise, if repeated at the beginning and end of a show.
 
3. Sweat: March around the room during commercial breaks, lifting your knees as you step. After about a minute-and-a-half, stop and march in place, stepping side to side occasionally.
You’ll get: Sixteen minutes of exercise, if you do this during every commercial break during an hour long show.

F O C U S

"Where focus goes energy flows."
Tony Robbins

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Discouraged?

It's so easy to get discouraged and depressed while you're in the hospital or home recovering.  Trust me, i know.  In the past three years, i have been in the hospital 24 times, usually for at least a week.   Currently i am stuck at home waiting for my leg wound to heal so i can be fitted for a new leg.
 
i have moments of great depression, that i will not deny.
 
In the past i allowed it to over take me.  But today, i'm tired of the tears.  It's still a battle, but i am seizing control over myself, my life and my emotions. 
 
Instead of sitting on the sofa, gathering cobwebs feeling sorry for myself, i focus on the limited amount of exercise that i am able to do.  My mind goes away from sadness to counting the number of leg lifts i am doing.   Or pushing myself beyond the limits i always gave myself in the past.  After 15 minutes of exercising, i'm feeling too accomplished to remember what i was lowering my thoughts into.
 
Like eating Chinese food, where you're hungry an hour later, my thoughts can drift again.   So i pick up my stretching band and build up my upper body strength while thinking about walking soon.   Thinking about all the places i will venture to with my camera.   Seated on the sofa, i'm able to do twisting exercises and think about clothes that haven't fit, that soon will basically allow me a new wardrobe.
 
The important thing is not to allow yourself to get discouraged by whatever your situation is.   In many ways you can alter it, by mind or body.  Just believe you can ... because in reality ... YOU CAN.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Sucking in the tummy

How to Get a Flat Stomach by Sucking in 

 A Great Tip For Beginners






Well, the answer may surprise you, but not in the way that you may think it will.
For those who do not have a flat stomach, sucking your gut in is the next best thing to having a flatter stomach, and it is a trick used by many who may want to exaggerate their physique by temporarily hiding their belly fat.
But what people may not know is that sucking in your stomach when used as an exercise is actually a very good way to increase your core and abdominal strength.
It's easy, effective and when combined with a nutritional and exercise routine, helps get visible results.
Here is how it works.
Sucking in your stomach is actually known as an 'abdominal vacuum and is most effective toward the end of your workout.
Start by standing or sitting upright with your back straight. Suck your stomach in and imagine that your belly button is being pulled toward your spine. Hold this position for about 20 - 30 seconds at a time and repeat for as many times as you feel the need.
Be aware that doing only abdominal vacuums will not get you the famous 'six pack' or a flat stomach. What it will do however is increase the strength in your core, allowing you to execute more advance abdominal movements and exercises, which will in turn, get you the six pack that you are seeking.

Inspiring Quote

"Be a practical dreamer backed by action."

Bruce Lee

Diabetic Stump on Facebook


https://www.facebook.com/Diabetic-Stump-132918010395110/timeline/

Positive Energy ... Positive Health


Good Health Quotes








Remaining Positive

One of the most difficult things is remaining positive during this waiting period for my wound to heal and then i can be fitted for a new leg.   People don't seem to understand when they are able to do even the most basic things in life without giving it a thought or concern.   i'm stuck on the sofa.  i get nervous when i need to get up just to use the bathroom.  'Will this be the time i fall'?   i've been isolated in the hospital and in the house for going on three months now.   i just want to break away from my reality.

If i could, i would sleep all day and night, because in my dreams i am not crying and i see myself walking again.  But that is not my reality. i have to do everything i can to remain hopeful ... positive ... strong (emotionally and physically).

With Devon getting ready for two fashion shows out of state in a week, i rarely get to talk to him.  And i really don't have any true friends who ever reach out to or i feel i could reach out to.  i have my thoughts, most of the time i am battling them instead of embracing.   And the TV is on 24/7 to distract me.

We had company yesterday for Devon's fashion shoot.  i like to be a good host.  Ensuring the house is clean.  i couldn't do any of this, just sit uncomfortably on a chair in front of the computer.  With Devon busy, i wasn't able to eat breakfast or lunch, so i just snacked on the few things we had out of the guest.  None of which were healthy for this new lifestyle i must have.

The next day my blood sugar was 213, so i took my insulin and within an hour i was starting to feel weak and sweaty.   Devon was getting ready to leave for work, as usual he was running late.  But i was able to get him to fix me coffee and a bowl of cereal as i again checked my blood sugar ... 69.

Devon leaves in a few days for about a week to do fashion shows, i'll be home alone.  i'm more worried about my emotional state that my physical safety. Remaining positive has been a struggle most of my life, more so these last couple of months.  i can do what i have always done in my life ... just give up.  Or i can fight for what i've never really known from myself ... confidence.  i'd like to know what that feels like.

September 27, 2015

Friday, September 25, 2015

UPDATE

i've been focusing so much of my down time on educating myself for my blog (http://diabeticstump.blogspot.com/). There is so much information out there, some good some bad, but this is what i should have been doing long before having my leg amputated. But this is where i am at today, hopefully i can help myself, and others, to a healthier tomorrow. ... ... ... 

The wound is slowly healing, but not enough to be able to be fitted for a new leg just yet. i'm trying to remain positive and hopeful, but it's getting harder very day. i want/need to go outside and experience life. To celebrate autumn. Looking at photo's on Instagram inspires me, but depresses me at the same time. ... ... ... 

My recent doctors visit showed that i have lost 8 pounds in two weeks. i guess that is good considering i am limited to exercising from the sofa. My blood sugars are good, sometimes too low because it is so difficult for me to cook for myself when Devon Yan is away. In about a week, he'll be gone for a week to attend two fashion shows in Portland. i'm nervous, but there is no other choice, he needs to continue with his life while mine is put on hold. ... ... ... 

i can't do much about the wound healing, just taking my vitamin C and eating my eggs for protein while trying not to fall, so i try to focus on my emotional health. A lot of meditation, writing about my journey in hopes of inspiring others and focusing on where i will be and what i will be able to do in the future. ... ... ... 

i will admit, with complete honesty, that i cry a lot and there are a lot of dark lonely moments. i cling to the brief times that a nurse comes over to change my bandages. i try not to annoy my amazing neighbor. And Devon can't keep being bothered by my pathetic requests. This is basically a lonely journey, that has shown me who i can truly call a friend. People who offer sincere support, beyond just a click of 'like' now and then. i don't ask for much, and i truly hate depending on others, but it is clear who is truly there during this time. i will forever embrace and cherish these few true friendships and celebrate their continued emotional support during this selfish time when i really need to lean on others ... which isn't easy for me. To those very few, i thank you so very much. And i truly feel so blessed for even the few blessing that i have. And how very honored i am to have such a wonderful loyal husband, who is my only family after my blood family and many past and present so-called friends have betrayed me. Bless you and thank you. ... ... ... 

The journey continues.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

2 4 4

After two weeks of sitting on the sofa, i went to see the doctor with hopes that my wound was good enough i could be thinking about getting my leg.   It wasn't meant to be.  Although healing nicely, they worry it would open up again if i started walking on it.  i'm trying to remain positive, but it's getting harder and harder with every moment i remain home basically staying on the sofa.

i did receive more information from Karen about what will happen when i do get my leg.  i'll have a mold made of my leg and then they will make a plastic mold for my foot to be attached to.  This could take a couple of days.  When i do have my leg, it will take some physical therapy to help me learn to use it.  So hopefully ... maybe ... i'll be walking by the end of October.

One positive from the appointment ... i weighed myself and i am now at 244.   Two weeks ago i weighed 252.

Currently i need to work on my emotional state of mind.

September 23, 2015

Today is the first day of autumn.  My summer memories are few and fuzzy.  Spending most of my days sitting in the house on the sofa trying to save my leg ... which i wasn't able to do.  Hopefully i can be fitted with a new leg soon so i can enjoy life once again.  Especially my favorite season, which is fall.

This morning my blood sugar was 158.  Normally my morning numbers are higher than other time, but for me, 158, is a very good number to begin the day with.

Changing my life has not been challenging at all.  And should have ... could have ... been done a long time ago.  i blame no one but myself for my current situation.  Nor do i play the victim.  i'm in charge of my life and life choices.  i am so sorry how my past has affected so many others.

Happy Anniversary 09/23/15

Okay, not really something i want to celebrate, but it has been two months since i last took a shower.  From the amputation, recovery in the hospital, 20 days at the rehab and barely able to get around at home, currently it would be unsafe for me to try to take a shower.

i don't do enough physical movement to need a daily shower, but i do miss the feeling of standing under the water cleansing myself.

Now all i am able to do it sit on the toilet and wash off with a towel.  My hair is cut very short, little cleaning to do.

In the future, after my wound heals, i'll get a shower bench.

A lot of adjustments being made because of stupidity of how i have mistreated my body all these years.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

September 20, 2015

i'm hearing the theme song to Rocky in my head.  All because i was able to make myself a pot of coffee and clean around the house a little.  With the aide of my walker and balancing myself on one leg, it wasn't easy, but damnit, i did it.  i want to be able to do more, but i do have limits still.  Where i was a couple of months ago, even just a week ago, i feel confident and proud of my progress.

It's difficult to see past the current moment, and i don't want to get more depressed thinking about the future that i want right now.  i keep trying to remind myself, and others keep telling me, this is only  minor setback and soon i will be unstoppable. 

i have two choices ... ... ...

Sitting on the sofa feeling sorry for myself and letting everyone do everything for me.

Or do what i can ...
what i should have been doing all my life ...
in building my body and mind stronger.

The purpose of this blog is to remember what it took to get from one place of devastation to where i will be.
Educating myself and others.  Inspiring myself and others.  i'm a later bloomer and it shows with amputated toes, amputated leg, congested heart failure, boarder line kidney issues and shortening my lifespan. 

i want to show myself, and others, how easy it is to alter ones lifestyle to live happily, healthy and to still live.

Exercise alone has always been my downfall.  i always started something, but never follow through.  i was either bored or didn't see and feel instant results.  

It is truly amazing me how much i am enjoying the exercises i am doing daily and how my diet has completely changed and it is delicious.  i use to crave sweets and junk food, i don't anymore. And i don't miss them either.

People say that every now and then i'll be able to treat myself, i worry that one treat will result in two and three and then ... ... ... i first have to prove to myself that i am strong enough beyond my current situation of being stuck on the sofa.   The outside world has many distractions and temptations.


Saturday, September 19, 2015

no no no

Well, i certainly don't want this
i'm getting more comfortable and confident using my walker
Mostly because i'm getting so frustrated sitting on the sofa
Unable to go anywhere
i'm so ready to walk in the outdoors
Taking my camera along and hiking the trails again
i'm tired of the stale air within the house
My patience is truly getting a test
Most of the silly stupid things i did so easily and without thought
Today they are a struggle of balance
Or impossible
53 years and i am needing to learn a new way of life
Of living
All because of too much ice cream and junk food
From not paying attention to reality
Now i have a new reality
i remain hopeful about the future
i just wish the future was today
(without my walker)

Needed Prescriptions

i recently paid $150.00 for two types of insulin.

And that was discounted.

Lets see, groceries or insulin?

September 19, 2015

i went to bed last feeling positive and hopeful.   Had a healthy dinner.  Did some good exercising.  Seeing and feeling some results.   As i laid there, i started feeling a little weird, that turned into feeling dizzy.   i knew where this was going.

i lowered myself off of the sofa onto the floor and dragged myself over to the refrigerator to get  piece of candy.  i felt so stupid sitting there with the light of the open refrigerator door shining on me.

i ate two pieces of almond roca and then slide over to check my blood sugar.  My body was beginning to shake and my head was doing a little spinning inside.   i had a difficult time in the darkness and with my body shaky getting the blood from my finger onto the test strip.

Finally the little music on the meter began playing and the display read ... 98.

Had i waited, i'm not sure i would have been able to get off the sofa and over to the refrigerator on my butt.

In the past, i would sneak pieces of candy just to please my sweet tooth ... and i wouldn't stop.

As i am still learning, i want to be able to find something more healthy for me in case my blood sugar should get this low again.  What i really need to do is have more fruit available.

Metabolism ... Fat Spread

Minding Your Metabolism
Can You Avoid Middle-Age Spread?


As you age, you may notice you have less muscle and energy and more fat. Carrying those extra pounds may be harming your health. It’s easy to be confused by advice about diet and exercise, but they’re key to avoiding weight gain as you get older. As you move through your 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond, you can take steps to help fight the flab that can come with age.
Your metabolism changes as you get older. You burn fewer calories and break down foods differently. You also lose lean muscle. Unless you exercise more and adjust your diet, the pounds can add up. Middle-age spread can quickly become middle-age sprawl.
“At some point, everyone loses muscle mass as they get older and gains abdominal fat,” says NIH’s Dr. Mark Mattson, an expert on aging and exercise. The so-called couch-potato lifestyle is the main culprit behind middle-age spread. “Over-eating and leading a sedentary lifestyle can speed up age-related changes in metabolism,” Mattson says.
One key player in age-related changes is a chemical called leptin, which helps your brain tell you to stop eating. Leptin signals don’t work as well as you get older, so you might continue to feel hungry even after you’ve eaten. Obesity makes leptin even less effective.
“There’s a reward part to everything you eat,” says Dr. Josephine M. Egan, an NIH expert on diabetes and aging. “You get the taste of the food. You feel good. Normal-weight people will satisfy cravings by having a small amount of what they crave.” As both the years and the pounds add up, however, you may need to eat more of what you crave to get the same pleasant sensation.
Both aging and obesity can also bring changes to the way your body processes glucose—the sugar your body makes from food and uses for energy. These changes can lead to diabetes, which raises your risk for heart disease, blindness, amputations, and other conditions.
“Obesity increases the risk, and reduces the age of onset, for many diseases of aging,” Mattson says. “Over the long-term, even our brains are affected. Emerging evidence suggests that long-standing diabetes and obesity can lead to changes in brain cells that make them vulnerable to aging.”
As you move beyond your 50s, you’ll probably need fewer calories. But it’s also important to maintain proper nutrition, so don’t skimp on healthy foods. Weighing too little and weighing too much are each linked to poor health, especially in older people. For tips about healthy eating after age 50, visit NIH’s What's on Your Plate? Smart Food Choices for Healthy Aging.
Exercise and moving are also important. “It doesn’t matter what your age is; physical activity is good for you,” says Egan. Be sure to talk with your health care provider about safe ways to adjust your activity patterns as you get older. If you have a specific health issue that you’re concerned about—such as arthritis or a recent surgery—ask for tips to help you exercise safely. Work together to choose activities that are best for you.
Focusing on physical activity and healthy eating are the keys to avoiding middle-age spread and the health problems that can come with it. NIH’s Go4Life exercise and physical activity campaign is designed especially for older adults

Understanding Carbs

Counting Carbs?
Understanding Glycemic Index
Glycemic Load


You’ve probably heard of glycemic index and glycemic load. Some studies suggest that sticking to foods with a low glycemic index may help prevent diabetes, cardiovascular disease and cancer. Some claim it helps with weight loss. The truth is, we don’t know all the answers yet. Here’s what you need to know.
The glycemic index and load concern carbohydrates, or carbs—one of the main types of nutrients in our diets. Carbs with a simple chemical structure are called sugars. Sugars are found naturally in foods like fruits, vegetables and milk products. They’re also added to many foods and drinks. Complex carbs, like starches and fiber, are found in whole-grain breads and cereals, starchy vegetables and legumes.
Your digestive system changes the carbs you eat into glucose, a type of sugar that your body uses for energy. Simple carbs are more quickly digested and absorbed than complex ones, so simple carbs can raise your blood glucose levels faster and higher.
People with diabetes need to manage their blood glucose levels. High blood glucose can damage tissues and organs. In time, it can lead to heart disease, blindness, kidney failure and other problems. If you have diabetes, controlling your blood glucose will prevent or delay these health complications. So it’s important to understand how foods and drinks affect your blood sugar.
“The evidence seems to support the concept that the more complex carbohydrates will lead to better blood sugar control than the more simple sugars,” says Dr. Myrlene Staten, an NIH diabetes expert.
Researchers developed the glycemic index to measure the quality of carbs in foods. It shows how the carbs in different foods raise blood sugar. White rice, for example, has a higher glycemic index than brown rice, which has more complex carbs.
But it’s not just the types of carbs that matter. The more carbs you eat, the more your blood sugar rises. “The glycemic index really doesn’t take into consideration how much you eat,” explains Dr. Somdat Mahabir, who studies cancer risk at NIH.
That’s why researchers came up with the concept of glycemic load. It captures both the types of carbs in a food and the amount of carbs in a serving. Essentially, it shows how a portion of food affects your blood sugar. Many things affect the glycemic load, including food processing, how ripe a fruit is, how a food is prepared and how long it’s been stored.
Studies of people who use these concepts to guide their diets have found mixed results. “There’s evidence to show that glycemic index and glycemic load are not associated with body weight,” says Dr. Catherine Loria, an NIH expert on nutrition and heart health. “There’s really not enough evidence to show if glycemic index is related to heart disease.” A possible link to cancer is also being explored.
Glycemic index and glycemic load aren’t things you’ll see on a label, so they’re not easy to use. But labels do show helpful information: calories, total carbohydrates, sugars and fiber.
“It makes sense for everybody, not only diabetics, to eat the more complex carbohydrates because they will be more gradually absorbed, and blood sugar highs and lows will be smaller,” Staten says. Whole foods with complex carbs will give you more minerals and vitamins, too, and are usually good sources of fiber.