Remaining Positive

One of the most difficult things is remaining positive during this waiting period for my wound to heal and then i can be fitted for a new leg.   People don't seem to understand when they are able to do even the most basic things in life without giving it a thought or concern.   i'm stuck on the sofa.  i get nervous when i need to get up just to use the bathroom.  'Will this be the time i fall'?   i've been isolated in the hospital and in the house for going on three months now.   i just want to break away from my reality.

If i could, i would sleep all day and night, because in my dreams i am not crying and i see myself walking again.  But that is not my reality. i have to do everything i can to remain hopeful ... positive ... strong (emotionally and physically).

With Devon getting ready for two fashion shows out of state in a week, i rarely get to talk to him.  And i really don't have any true friends who ever reach out to or i feel i could reach out to.  i have my thoughts, most of the time i am battling them instead of embracing.   And the TV is on 24/7 to distract me.

We had company yesterday for Devon's fashion shoot.  i like to be a good host.  Ensuring the house is clean.  i couldn't do any of this, just sit uncomfortably on a chair in front of the computer.  With Devon busy, i wasn't able to eat breakfast or lunch, so i just snacked on the few things we had out of the guest.  None of which were healthy for this new lifestyle i must have.

The next day my blood sugar was 213, so i took my insulin and within an hour i was starting to feel weak and sweaty.   Devon was getting ready to leave for work, as usual he was running late.  But i was able to get him to fix me coffee and a bowl of cereal as i again checked my blood sugar ... 69.

Devon leaves in a few days for about a week to do fashion shows, i'll be home alone.  i'm more worried about my emotional state that my physical safety. Remaining positive has been a struggle most of my life, more so these last couple of months.  i can do what i have always done in my life ... just give up.  Or i can fight for what i've never really known from myself ... confidence.  i'd like to know what that feels like.

September 27, 2015