Alone
Daily i have a nurse coming to the house to change my wound dressing. She's very quick, usually talking to herself, so i have to repeat everything i've said.
i still haven't looked at the wound, it's under the stump so i really can't see it anyway. Sometime, sitting on the sofa, i can feel my foot resting on the floor. i haven't had any phantom pains since just after the amputation, but there are discomforts. As if my shoe is too tight.
Yesterday, Devon left to go to the birthday party of a casual friend. i don't want to stop him, being my caretaker and taking care of the house is overwhelming. It just reminds me though of spending my own birthday this year alone while he hung out with friends.
Devon left around two in the afternoon, i half jokingly said i would see him tomorrow. When e hangs out with his friends, he usually stays overnight. It doesn't help my confidence level since i don't know his friend and i already believe i'm not good enough for him.
He sent me a text around 10:15pm. He asked if i had dinner, which he knew i hadn't since i can't cook for myself. 'I was offer ... i am sorry it is my fault', he texted back. All i had ate was a small bowl of oatmeal and some pretzels. My blood sugar was low and i didn't have any water for a few hours. i'm so pathetic and worthless that i can't even get water for myself.
At 8:44am the next day, Devon sent me a text saying he was coming back. i can't say anything, like for now how much i truly need him, because it will turn into a big fight and i'll be reminded that this is my fault. Or how i don't have any friends. And my past life choices brought me to this point in my life. i've heard this many times when Devon is upset with me. And yes, it is all true.
With my blood sugar low, it was scary just getting to the bathroom.
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